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by Graham Kibble-White
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by Jack Kibble-White
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by Jane Redfern
SHOW 1: SUNDAY 28/05/00
IT'LL NEVER WORK: Frank: "Do you know, I thought it would be funnier than this." Dave: (on the subject of Robert DeNiro's genitals): "Is that why Bananarama made that song: Robert DeNiro's Waiting For Someone To Make A Model Of His Genitals"? Karen the secretary.
SECRETARY: Karen - an IT consultant. Frank: "Are you on the internet much? 'Cos I've seen you with a Coke can." Karen doesn't seem to realize that members of the public are never funny on the telly. As jewish.co.uk commented: "This was the programme's first mistake, in that they selected someone who quite clearly thought she was a match for the pair in the humour department and spent so long trying to be 'wacky' that valuable comedy time was wasted."
THAT'S YOU THAT IS: Dave looks like Ron Jeremy (the porn star from Anal Academy) and Danny Baker. Frank looks like The Mekon.
UP YER SEPTUM: No actual comment is made about Ms Westbrook but some classic Frank Butcher lines are brought out to play: "What am I? Some kind of doughnut?!"
I AM FRANK SKINNER: "I went to the Soap Awards last night. Two of them said that they played football against Dave and he was rubbish."
I AM DAVID BADDIEL: Dave once pitched a film to Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley about a bloke who messes up his life by sleeping with a prostitute. Frank once met them at the Ideal Home Exhibition, where he pitched a tent. It's Dave's birthday. Frank gives him a card at the beginning of Part Two. The message reads "To Dave, if you are reading this out on air, we must be desperate". Dave met Tara Palmer-Tomkinson at the Soccer Six. She didn't know who he was; however when she appeared on The Frank Skinner Show she thought the host was going to be the erstwhile fictional character portrayed by Mike Read, and referred to above.
SEMITE SAY: Dave's caricature looks like a piece of Nazi propaganda.
Ms OGYNY: Frank says "Insatiable women are pigs" before going on to make some disparaging remarks about the pudenda.
DAVE'S MUM AND DAD: Are said to be in the audience, but later Dave comments "They might be watching this", so obviously they're not. It's Dave's birthday and he is now officially closer to the grave than his mother's vagina.
BEST QUESTION: "How did the Brigitte Neilson experience affect you?"
DISGRACE IN THE CROWD: The bloke who asks "Where's Statto?" is run into second place by the last question in the programme from the bald bloke from that Channel 4 documentary about holidaying in Newquay.
SONG: No.7 - King Of The Road
IN CONCLUSION: A golden bust of Robert DeNiro's genitals and Anal Academy. The first episode lacks in atmosphere and does not bode well for the remainder of the series. The lads are too self-conscious and almost allow the risible secretary to get the better of them.
SHOW 2 - MONDAY 29/05/00
IT'LL NEVER WORK: Nightshade from Gladiators - "Isn't that a type of perfume?" asks Dave.
SECRETARY: Frank is already starting to go off the idea of the secretary and puts off the idea of bringing one up on stage when Dave moots it. Tonight it's Paul - the bloke with the big beard. He looks after the penguins at London Zoo - "It has its moments ... you get a place on the tube because you stink (of fish)." Paul, however doesn't smell tonight because his cat licked it off. "Are you wearing it [the cat] around your chin?" asks Dave. Paul's beard scares girls.
THAT'S YOU THAT IS: A fellow in the audience looks like Tony Hatch. Paul, the secretary looks like D H Lawrence. An audience member sounds like he should be in Chas 'n' Dave.
I AM FRANK SKINNER: Frank went to the toilet in Café Rouge in Hampstead today.
I AM DAVID BADDIEL: After the first show Frank and Dave went for a meal wherein Derek Hatton sent them over two glasses of champagne. Frank couldn't partake - he's a recovering alcoholic. Hatton asked if the programme was planned: "How more rubbish do we have to be?" wonders Dave. Earlier in the day David had been watching the BBC's Music Live.
SEMITE SAY: When Frank makes an anti-Dave jibe there are cheers: "Must be a fan in" says Dave - "Or anti-Semites" says Frank.
HOMOCURIOUS: Audience member: "You have a propensity to cross your legs - do you have any homosexual tendencies at all?" Someone once wrote to Frank and David and asked "Are you light on your feet?" Frank's recently started enjoying ice-skating.
Ms OGYNY: Frank informs us that the women he's slept with since he became famous are still "pretty rough".
WORST QUESTION: "Would you two like to come back to ours tonight?"
SONG: No. 14 - Pretty Woman: "Mercy" says Frank. "Growwlll"
IN CONCLUSION: This second episode is much better, with Paul the secretary a tremendous boon to the proceedings. Looking as though he sleeps in the animal enclosure Paul - Karen please note - knows his place, and yet is genuinely funny in a bedraggled, sleepy sort of way. The rapport with the audience is getting better too, as the programme begins its progression towards a sort of communal knockabout.
SHOW 3 - TUESDAY 30/05/00
IT'LL NEVER WORK: Frank muses about the programme: "I don't find it very episodic", which gets a perplexed silence. Dave tries to pursue a comedic line on the subject of financial services reps.
SECRETARY: Frank: "I just think the secretary tonight is going to be a nightmare." In the event we get Simon, a sales rep for a financial services company wearing an immaculately ironed shirt. Paraphrases Frank's failed encounter with Drew Barrymore's mum as "Fit old bird where Frank bottled it".
THAT'S YOU THAT IS: An audience member looks like Henry VIII. Frank looks like a 10 pin bowling ball.
I AM FRANK SKINNER: Frank was at a cricket match when a young boy asked him "Excuse me, was that really Robert DeNiro's willy?" (in reference to a bust he gave David on the first programme). Frank slapped him. Spent three weeks sitting in Dave's flat picking fleas off and dropping them into a glass of hot water. Frank dropped his Anusol suppository in a Hampstead Restaurant.
I AM DAVID BADDIEL: Dave's been watching Pleasure Island.
SEMITE SAY: "Some Jewish people are Jewish to the point of deformity."
HOMOCURIOUS: Dave and Frank almost came to blows over Trivial Pursuit. Frank (to Dave): "And you had tears in your eyes and said 'Never shout at me again!'" Frank loves Ricky Martin.
WORST QUESTION: "Is your cat Zelda still being sick?"
DISGRACE IN THE CROWD: Blonde woman who chips in to say the show needs some female input. When pressed she has nothing further to "input".
SONG: No. 17 - Je T'Aime
IN CONCLUSION: Not as quick-witted or entertaining as episode two. The boys seem at their best when working off the crowd. Tonight's catchment however is pretty dull. Best section: their remembrance of their worst argument.
SHOW 4 - WEDNESDAY 31/05/00
IT'LL NEVER WORK: Frank: "I only moved to Belsize Park, to say to people before you move in they have to check your bell-size." Frank hopes he "will have children, and I hope their parents never find out."
SECRETARY: Frank doesn't like the secretaries. Tonight proves him right: the secretary is his own stalker, Ali. She's been following him for 11 years and has the photos to prove it. Frank is genuinely uncomfortable. Ali is a nanny employed by Fran and Julian. Frank: "They'll be thinking that Louise Woodward isn't such a bad idea." When Ali threatens to start stalking David instead Frank responds "It says so much about my life that I have a fickle stalker."
THAT'S YOU THAT IS: An audience member looks like Tony Hadley. Dave reckons Kelly Brook looks like the Joker.
I AM FRANK SKINNER: Today Frank walked past the Ham & High newspaper office in Hampstead.
I AM DAVID BADDIEL: Dave played tennis with Les Dennis. At Jonathan Ross' house.
SEMITE SAY: If Dave had kids they would go to a Jewish school and wear a little hat.
HOMOCURIOUS: Frank expects "ritual sodomy" on the Heath.
Ms OGYNY: Frank finds Jayne Torville to be "slightly porcine". He claims that Ali the Stalker couldn't fit on the sofa.
WORST QUESTION: "Frank if you were to stand upside down would your hair look as sexy as David's beard?"
DISGRACE IN THE CROWD: A dull fellow in the audience who looks as if he might have "come by sewer" according to Frank.
SONG: No. 8 - Sugar Sugar
IN CONCLUSION: Sometimes live TV can still be great. Frank's encounter with his stalker results in tension and joke cracking in equal measure. The best episode of the series affirms the importance of the relationship with the audience ("thanks for joining in" says Frank to an audience member at one stage, "thanks for showing up" replies said member), and the potential dangers of live TV.
